Sunday, February 17, 2013

Toilet Seat Wars

As far back as I can remember, it seems that a war has been going on regarding the toilet seat.  Since I consider this to be mostly a war about nothing, I figured I would take a chance and see what happens.  Probably a firestorm.

A toilet seat has two parts, both of which can be raised to reveal the naked, cold porcelain toilet.  One part of the seat lowers to allow a sitting surface (mostly either wood or plastic) upon which one can place one's naked bum without the unpleasant contact with cold porcelain.  That sitting surface surrounds a hole in that portion of the seat thereby allowing one's effluent to pass into the bowl for eventual disposal.

The other part of the seat lowers to cover the hole in the sitting surface (also either wood or plastic to match the sitting surface), thereby removing from sight the evidently vile image of the toilet bowl itself.  If there happen to be "skidmarks" left by an earlier user of the toilet that s/he impolitely chose not to remove after use, the lid prevents anyone from seeing them - until the next user comes along needing what the toilet has to offer.  The same applies to any unflushed remains of the previous user's activities upon the seat.  Most people find these experiences to be unpleasant, usually engendering some muttered curses about the slovenly actions of the previous occupant of the toilet.

As is well-known, women allow the contents behind either the urinary or anal sphincter to pass while they are sitting on the comfortable sitting surface (with the lid raised, of course).  Men generally urinate into the toilet while standing and so will lift the sitting surface in order to eliminate the possibility of leaving drops of urine on the sitting surface.  This act of raising the sitting surface is not completely necessary for any man who has no concern for the person sitting on that surface next time - to lift the lid is an act of courtesy (highly recommended) for anyone who might not want to sit on droplets of piss (either wet, or dry if enough time has passed).

The war is kindled when a woman is anxious to reach the toilet before she soils herself, and so may not have checked to see if the sitting surface is up or down before commencing to squat in preparation for relieving herself.  For that matter, she won't know if the lid is up or down, either.  In any case, when her bare butt makes contact with cold porcelain, torrents of foul words spew from her mouth in the process of an immediate reverse squat from the toilet.

For a woman living alone, the sitting surface might as well be bolted down.  That way, there's no possibility of her warm cheeks coming in contact with chilly porcelain.  Of course, that would run the risk of having  male visitors who need to use her toilet leaving pee drops on the sitting surface.  Hence, it might be ill-advised to take the drastic step of making the sitting surface stay permanently in the lowered position.

It turns out, of course, that virtually every man has had a similar experience of being in a hurry to sit down (recall, we males also use the down position for defecation).  Thus, every man should have some sense of empathy for the plight of our sisters, wives, female lovers, mothers, aunts, etc.  But since we use the toilet that way only about once per day, whereas we usr it with the sitting surface raised several times per day, it's inevitable that we will occasionally leave the sitting surface up after relieving ourselves.  Some men may forget to lower the sitting surface most of the time - others only part of the time - and a few may concede entirely to the woman's viewpoint and convert himself to peeing in the sitting posistion.  The radical step of squatting to piss obviously is limited to a tiny minority of men - mostly pussy-whipped weaklings hardly deserving of the male gender!

A woman living with a real man simply has to recognize that living together entails some compromises and adjustments.  Women sharing the same facilities with a man will have to overcome any habits they may have developed while living alone.  Being far-from-perfect creatures, the sitting surface on the toilet will be left up by most men from time to time.   Hence, the logical tactic for their female room/housemates to use is a simple one:  Look before you squat!  This actually applies to both men and women - making assumptions about the position of the sitting surface (and the lid) makes an "ass our of u and me"!


okienurse said...

Really! Really!!...You definitely leave it up more then down and I figured it was because you had some relationship to assholes...and I don't spew forth expletives all the time when you leave it up!

Chuck Doswell said...

Again, this is my lovely bride, Vickie, who apparently ignores the rules of my blog with impunity. I figured she would make her views known on this one!